A taste of God's goodness

Friends, I am sorry that I have not blogged in so long. I declared that this blog would be where you could come to hear of God’s goodness to me in this land, and I want to keep my word.

My emotions have been on the most topsy-turvey roller coaster imaginable these past few weeks. The twists came so sharp and so often that I was unable to capture many of them in writing before the next one came. There has been much joy, but also loneliness, pride and other ugly things. But let me stay raw before you; my heart I will share. I will leave you with some tidbits from my personal writings.


January 24th

Wordless tears drip onto my lap
My heart drowns
Silently, unnoticed, unseen
Unknown

In the roar of loneliness
My whispered cry
Come, hear me, hold me
Know me

Please God, please.


February 1st

…Best of all, God is changing me here. Some of that good change has come in the face of my loneliness, and some from my aching, wounded heart. The change has come as I’ve reached out for God as I’ve felt myself slipping. More than that though, I have seen my desire for God growing in me. I’ve always desired God, but with my comforts taken away and many of my regular distractions (and relationships) removed, I am pressing in like never before. I have reached for my Bible many a time as God has convicted my heart and gently suggested I try a better way. And it is better. Our loving God has forgiven me, he strengthens me, he deserves the glory for revealing this way of love and freedom to me…

…God has shown me my pride this last week. I am embarrassed to write it out and explain it, but I know it to be at work in my heart. On Thursday I came to Jesus in repentance, desiring – no needing – his forgiveness. Wow! He answered my heartfelt petition and lifted my burden. There is no condemnation because I am his child under his love and not under the law. Thank you Jesus. May you be lifted higher and may I become lower. God, I want to stay on my knees so that others can see you standing tall. That they would know you also…


February 12th

As I put away some clothing, I held one sweater close, breathing in its warmth. Today I longed to bundle up in that sweater, adding a toque and scarf, and then go for a stroll around Mill Lake. Oh, to feel the bite of the crisp winter air on my face!

Just a few days ago I reached the three month point of my Ugandan Internship. That day was spent at the shelter like so many others. It passed joyfully, but the reality of another five months is intimidating if I focus on it too much. Yet, on the other hand, is five months going to be long enough to build strong and impactful relationships with the boys? Will I have delved enough into the culture and language? Will it be long enough to hear and know what God is planning for my future in missions? Will my heart survive this lonely time?

I dare say that it will be long enough because God has called me here for such a time as this. He will make of it as he wishes, and I need to just rest in that knowledge and continue to dive in fully. And though the discouragement and loneliness come in waves, joy and hope follow close behind, revealing themselves in the sweet morning melodies of Africa’s birds. I think I will sing along...

My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul. Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens, and let your glory be over all the earth. (Psalms 108:1-5)